The Void
I look over and a women I noticed earlier, attractive, petite, nice vibe, is giving me a big smile, looking me directly in the eyes. An inquisitive smile from a very beautiful face. I am surprised and in conversation, organizing a hike with a friend I just met, so I don’t say anything but I note the exchange. Why is this women smiling at me? Is it curiosity, attraction, being human, a come on? I better say something and find out.
She has her back to me, I hover and then approach. “Have we met before?” What a weak, fake question. I know we haven’t met before. Surely, I can do better, come up with something more interesting to talk about. She turns her head, a shake. No. I ask “You’re just passing through?” A nod of the head. Yes.
I have nothing else to offer, the fire is raging in Malibu, maybe she is a temporary refugee, yet the words are stuck in my head and won’t come out. I get back in line, waiting my turn for the cashier. Is there something I can say next, has the moment gone? A nervous anxious energy creeps into my body. My heart races faster, not again I think. How did I get lost? How did I lose my cool, like a gibbering fool?
Slightly dejected, I move away from the line and go to buy some walnuts from the bulk section. I hear her try and say something to me. She thought I was still standing behind her in the line, but I’m not. She seems calm, considered. She’s wearing denim shorts, exposing her beautiful legs, with sandals and a simple top. Understated. “I’m sorry” she says. I almost run over to hear her speak. Still facing forward she turns her head while her body faces forward. “Do you have any kids? I used to teach here”. Without thinking I say “No kids”. I repeat the sentiment “No kids” waving my right hand in a defiant low sweeping movement.
She looks at me blankly, again I have nothing else to say. She’s trying to find a connection, trying to converse but I’ve got nothing, absolutely nothing. I want to ask what school she taught at but I can’t seem to speak the words. I look around and the girl friend I was organizing the hike with walks back in the store. I lose all focus, even if I had any and give up. The smiling lady pays for her cookie, leaves, and as she does, smiles and says goodbye. I form a brief smile but it’s one of dejection and disappointment. I learned nothing about her. I didn’t help her, I didn’t give anything. She walks back to sit with the man she came in with, whether they are together or not I don’t know, they seem close.
I feel empty, like I lost something special. All that’s left is a void, a feeling of loss, of missed opportunity. Yet again I am reminded by a smile from a beautiful women, that I have this void, a lacking, an emptiness that I so badly want to fill.
I forget about the whole experience while I go on a hike, but later at home, the void becomes glaringly obvious. I try and find her on the internet, searching for people that worked at schools in my area, knowing how crazy, futile and depressing this exercise is only further enhancing the scale of the void I feel inside. I’m lost, blindly trying to grab onto some semblance of hope. I tell myself I have missed the perfect opportunity to meet someone special, someone to share my life with, someone to be attracted too. Is this true? Is it a fantasy? What is this void?
I place this women or any women that smiles at me like this as a possibility to fill the void. I think, if only I could see her again, she would fill that void if we got to hang out, chat and look into each other’s eyes. Do I believe this sentiment? Maybe, for a while it would have provided a distraction, but in the end the void would still be there. I try and fill it with interactions and connections, yet I can’t seem to fill it but I still hope one day I will.
How much pressure I place on these moments. I must find a way to fill this void without having to rely on others. To be content. Maybe I can be content with whatever the interaction, not force it, not expect it. Live in the moment, content with the moment, not looking for stimulation. When was the last time I felt content in the moment? When?! When was the last time I didn’t feel the need to be around somebody to feel full, to feel a connection with life.
Whether she realized it or not her influence was to force me to look within, to find that connection. Use the energy of the universe. Live in the moment. Not for the past, not for the future. Yet with each passing moment I think what an opportunity I missed to connect with a beauty. How do I connect with THE beauty, the beauty inside, if I’m always looking for it elsewhere. I must find a way to connect with my center, the fullness of life. If another smile from another beautiful person comes my way I must remind myself to take that energy as a marker, a reminder to feel full, before the void starts to appear.
With each smile I will remind myself to not think of myself as needing something to feel full, but feel full and see if a new experience, a new interaction, will push my cup to overflow. For the void is like a vacuum, constantly sucking negative feelings and emotions. To fill the void requires a slight of thought. A change from the idea that I am missing, that I am lacking, to the realization that I hold the whole universe inside me, regardless of my relationships that universe will always exist, whether I choose to recognize it, is up to me. The smile is only a recognition of the universe in which I exist and the beauty that dwells in each of us.